I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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