He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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