im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I party with great urgency now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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