My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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