Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
