Will you blow on my dice?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
