My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
