I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The air taste purple.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
