Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
