If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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