when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
