Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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