I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
is it fun? or sober?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
