I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
