How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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