i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
