his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize