your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
