omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
