Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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