know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
