just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Randomize
