im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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