youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
