exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
third nipple confirmed
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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