we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
it's like iHOP with fire
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
