Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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