So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize