I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
