just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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