Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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