I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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