I wish my penis had an off switch
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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