who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
