Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
