90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
