You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
