the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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