"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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