I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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