i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
