My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
