My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
