So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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