my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
