Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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