so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
