In the future we'll all be gay
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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