i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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