i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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