I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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