I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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