there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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