Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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