I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
