we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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