Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize