i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
