Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
