you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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