It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
