I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
