Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize